Celebrating Me

I recently had a humbling learning experience. Again. I continue to try to learn and grow from the experiences I go thru in this life, and I cannot even count how many times I have already read this blog. Sometimes growing definately has its pains. I am finding myself gravely honing on friendships and the inner workings of people in my life. I once again go back to the fact that I am fiercely loyal to my friends. So incredibly fiercely loyal that I just expect those that I do choose to let in my inner circle be just as loyal to me. The sobering thing is that sometimes that is just too much to expect from people. There are such a small hand full of people in this world capable of being what I expect, and the rest smolder into ashes of the background of my life. Do I set my expectations too high? I set them high but the trick to that is I give myself a harder fall. I set myself up for failure. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like being lied to. Please do not lie to me. I feel like I work so hard to choose honest and loving people into my world, but do they let me in to theirs unconditionally? Or are there conditions? The expectations I set for my friends and family are almost starting to feel unattainable. But yet, here and there, a few creep thru and break that wall. As open and outgoing as I seem, and that is not a false front, I pretty much love everybody, but to get in my heart, and I mean to really *get in my heart* is harder than it might look. I don't tread lightly when it comes to my heart. I am not saying I am a prize to be won, I wouldn't dare ever be that confident, but I do know that I am true blue. I will walk thru fire until I am betrayed. Even the slightest betrayal is hard for me to forgive. Once bitten, twice shy. I don't give people a chance to do it again. Once I put up that wall it is like busting concrete to tear down. This is a love/hate relationship I have with myself. Sometimes I am so stubborn and hard headed that not even I can't stand myself. The inner workings of my protective nature yield me breathless at times. It is so strong, that even I am rendered defenseless against it. I wonder how much heart ache this has saved me? I wonder if I have protected myself? I wonder if I have missed out on good friends? But a GOOD friend wouldn't *betray* me, right? Friendship is one of the hardest emotions to feel when you are a person who feels so deeply. It can be such a double edged sword, and to love with free will is not easy to do. Not for me anyway. I cannot even believe that I am being this transparent on my blog, when I know so many people read it. It is so melodramatic and drama queenish. Sometimes I loathe the fact that I am capable of even having hurt feelings. To bother anyone with what is less than happiness for them to see. To see my darker side. Why does it ever even surface? Especially in a public setting such as my blog? I guess the fact that it is *MY* blog somewhere justifies why I write this here even though I am quite sure it will warrant back lash. I hate to feel this way. I wish that someone could just rip these feelings right out of me, and I would never have to feel pain, or that anyone in my life wouldn't have to feel pain. Hurt feelings, it all sucks. Feeling like a drama queen, but feeling I should stand my ground. Doubting feelings I have and even having my emotionless husband validate those feelings, atleast this time. Lordy Bee Amber, just chill out. SO many people will think that this blog is inferencing them. I am simply venting. I am sad this evening because of recent events that have occurred, and my minds endless curse to play out all the if's ands and but's in my mind. I know that some will walk away from this blog wondering if it is to them. I will not hide my feelings though. Chances are if you are still reading at this point you are interested in what I have to say. You took the time to put my blog address into your browser, scroll down, maybe assume this blog is about you, and here you are...still reading. It must be somewhat maddening to be my friend at times. I imagine I can be pretty draining, regardless of how hard I try not to feel so deeply. Truth be told, I don't feel conspired against. I do feel like that the play out of a recent sequence of events caused some showing of true colors. Made muddy water a little clearer. I guess better sooner rather than later. I guess it was only a matter of time. as far as who this blog is to, if your conscious is guilty right now, consider this blog to you.