I am very blessed, and I do realize that

INSERT BIG DRAMATIC SIGH HERE. I am emotionally drained. John and I are trying and trying to get pregnant, and it absolutely has not happened. So here we are, looking at alternative options. What else can we do? How much is THAT going to cost? It is like my entire world is spinning around this one issue....it is absolutely insane how obsessed I have become.

Lately with the 2% of my mind that is not totally honed in on my lack of fertility, I have been noticing how caught up in the rat race that John, Sofia and I are and it makes me want to run for the hills. I have always, since being of legal age to do so have moved every 4 years or so, give or take. You better bet I was telling John that we should just move to Austin last night! Candice said I am being manic, and I probably am but OMGGGG I just feel like we need a change, a real change that is going to help us all emotionally. I am stressed, John is stressed, we have soccer or a birthday party every weekend...it just is starting to feel that everything is so routine. Everything is so planned. Our whole lives revolve around a calendar that never stops. I used to try to be 15 places at one time, but now I just know I am going to let people down. I can't be everywhere. I wish I could.

I have a very flighty run from things when they get too serious personality (insert applause for my biological mom here for that personality trait). I am feeling like I am wanting to flee again. Fight or flight? Forget the fighting, lets just flee. When did life get so complicated? When did every day become so stressful? When did my body decide to stop ovulating? When did my life turn into Suburban working parent? When did I become what I never really thought I would be?

I guess this is just such as life. I guess this is part of the trials and trivulations of being a "grown up". How I choose to act on these outer things in our world going on is completely up to me. And making lemonade, all of the recent hapenings are giving me the opportunity to have more self control, and control my environment better. John has such control over his emotions at all times, and that is a trait I would love to have.

John and I were both frustrated in general on Thursday. I told John Thursday night........"Me, you, and what we have built with Sofia...that is real. All of this that we are experiencing is just in passing". And I meant it like no other words that have ever come out of my mouth. I know I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and a perfect daughter. We have family support and are even lucky enough to have a few friends. We have our health, that on some days I should remember more...We have our faith. We have alot.

The feelings that run thru me while trying to get pregnant almost make my skin crawl. I have absolutely lost any happiness for other people who get pregnant at this point. I have gone to such a selfish place that all I can think is....Damn, why wasn't it me? Why can't I get pregnant? I feel like an awful person for having such horrible thoughts, but I do and this trying to get pregnant thing has brought out another side of my personality that I have never seen. I just hope this all makes me a better mommy when we have baby #2. Like, I fought for you.....I wanted you so bad....I wanted Sofia to have you too. Daddy can't wait to meet you, just rest here inside me baby and grow and grow. I promise not to get you drunk. (j/k...just trying to lighten the mood)

So say a little prayer that something happens soon.