Hi, I’m Amber. I am 33 years old and a recovering basket case. I like to think I am recovering anyway. I feel like I can take a look back at events that have transpired in my life and look at them logically. I should have done this, I shouldn't’t have done that….I can also look at the people who navigated my life as a child and see what they should have and should not have done. I see my Mothers strengths and faults as well as my Fathers, Aunts and Uncles and my beloved grandparents. Somehow at age 33 I think I have the whole world figured out….until…the past pops up into place throwing me off of my pencil perfect course. I got a call last night that I knew I would get one day. My Biological Mother, and I tremble at the word “mother” is very sick in the hospital and there is no hope that she will pull thru this. Hmmm…..of course, my initial reaction (to my aunt on the other end of the line) was….”well, I am not sure how I feel about this”, “what do you want me to say”…..and then I kindof took a step back, eased up and realized she didn’t want to be calling me with this news anymore than I wanted to hear it. So there you go, slapping me in the face is a person I NEVER TALK ABOUT, NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE until now, just this once.
33 years ago a 16 year old teenager named Pam was pregnant. My Mother and Father couldn’t have kids. Pam was a friend of my uncles and so he immediately told Pam that his sister, Fran wanted a baby and could not have one. Long story short, Pam mpved in with my Mom and Dad, and lived in my room until I was born. Once I was born there was to be no contact with me until I was 18. It pretty much stayed this way except the one time I met her when I was like 12. As soon as I turned 18 I was on the hunt. I found her, and it started an emotional trail of which I don’t think I will fully understand. We have probably talked about 5 or 10 times over my life, since turning 18. She always wanted a relationship with me that I was just not willing to give her. I felt too guilty about doing that to my adopted Mom, and I also just felt weird about it. She went on to have FOUR other children. FOUR. 3 girls and a boy. She even named one Amber (a little creepy). I remember talking to her once after I graduated college and her telling me that I was snobby since I finished school and that I didn’t remember where I came from. Hmmm…Well now that isn’t true because where I came from, we all have degrees. Cousins, grandparents……I remember thinking HOW DARE YOU. YOU GAVE ME AWAY AND I MADE A LIFE FOR MYSELF AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT WHO I AM. But her story always was…….I was 16. I wasn’t going to have a baby. I put you in the perfect situation, and you made out well. Just never forget, I am your real mother. I don’t think we ever reached an agreement on that. It just was what it was……..
Pam had a really hard life. I think that it just made her ignorant. She practically grew up in the parking lot of a bar, where her Mom and dad drank themselves practically to death. Her Mother died early and her Dad remarried, and the lady he remarried was an alcoholic as well. I just don’t think she was ever shown a positive example or a good role model….ever. She just went on this path of destruction her whole life…….She got married and had a child, Amy, but then left Amy’s Dad and lost custody of her. Then she married a different Man, had three children, and their relationship was very physically and emotionally abusive, and she ended up having to leave the city to get away from him. The whole time she was with him she was in and out with drugs, and at the time she left him, 10 years ago, she had been on methadone for 10 years. She then moved up to Tomball to live near her Sister, and sobered up, but all of the recklessness caught up with her, and now today she is about to be transferred to hospice to die. Her liver simply cannot take anymore, and it is not functioning. Sad, right? She is 50.
I remember meeting her a few times and thinking….WOW…I look just like her, she has my cheek bones, I laugh like her, I TALK LIKE HER, we giggle the same……I am flighty like her. I really couldn’t take all of these similarities coupled with the fact that she left me. It makes me hate her in a sense, it makes me sad, it shows me her faults. Why does she have to look so much like me? There was a time that I was on the same self destructive course that she ran down her whole life, but I snapped out of it. I had the intelligence to end it. Why didn’t she? Is it nature vs. nurture? Looking back at my life, and the foundation I was given I can’t help but e thankful. I saw some REALLY REALLY crazy things, but I always knew that wasn’t the way. No matter what. Why? I think these are a few reasons…
My Grandfather – Was a true genius. He went to Rice and played football there. He was kind, loving and a strong personality. He was a leader.
My Grandmother – She was strong and noble. She was beautiful and loving. She was moralistic, and was never afraid to teach me how to love, who to love, and when to walk away.
My Grandfather and My Grandmother- Were both raised and worked on Farms. They were hard working Catholic Czechs. They were strict. They showed their love only if you looked really close, but they did love. They put family first.
My Father – Has worked hard his whole life. He is moralistic. He is strong. He is firm. He is my mountain. I draw strength from him. He is loyal.
My Mother – She has a heart of gold. She is loyal. She is kind. She is ethical. She is respectful.
My Aunts and Uncles and Cousins – Have always been the icing on the cake. They were raised under this same umbrella that I was and it shows. We all got college degrees, we all try to do right from wrong, we all love eachother. We laugh together, cry together. We have our Children in Catholic schools, we try to do right by the Lord.
Nature vs. nurture. Pam never received any of this. No role models, no examples, no love. It is sad that she will be gone. I will never be able to work any of this out, ever. Not with her. She will be beyond the grave. She will hopefully be in Heaven. So young. I suppress her. I always have. Perhaps it is too much reality for me to shove in my face. Perhaps I don’t want Sofia to have YET ANOTHER Grandmother. All of my Mothers spoil her to a tee, and I don’t want them to have to share. Perhaps the turmoil that is her life is too much for me to bare. I know what I can handle, and she isn’t something I can handle. I never could. For so many reasons I am hurting right now.
The victim of a circumastance in which I have no control, and never did. I didn’t choose to be born, I didn’t choose to be adopted. I didn’t map out her life, and I don’t feel like God put me here to save her……I guess there are lots of timeless questions for which I will never have an answer.
R.I.P. Pam Mitchell, may the angels hold you in their arms and rock your tears away.
33 years ago a 16 year old teenager named Pam was pregnant. My Mother and Father couldn’t have kids. Pam was a friend of my uncles and so he immediately told Pam that his sister, Fran wanted a baby and could not have one. Long story short, Pam mpved in with my Mom and Dad, and lived in my room until I was born. Once I was born there was to be no contact with me until I was 18. It pretty much stayed this way except the one time I met her when I was like 12. As soon as I turned 18 I was on the hunt. I found her, and it started an emotional trail of which I don’t think I will fully understand. We have probably talked about 5 or 10 times over my life, since turning 18. She always wanted a relationship with me that I was just not willing to give her. I felt too guilty about doing that to my adopted Mom, and I also just felt weird about it. She went on to have FOUR other children. FOUR. 3 girls and a boy. She even named one Amber (a little creepy). I remember talking to her once after I graduated college and her telling me that I was snobby since I finished school and that I didn’t remember where I came from. Hmmm…Well now that isn’t true because where I came from, we all have degrees. Cousins, grandparents……I remember thinking HOW DARE YOU. YOU GAVE ME AWAY AND I MADE A LIFE FOR MYSELF AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT WHO I AM. But her story always was…….I was 16. I wasn’t going to have a baby. I put you in the perfect situation, and you made out well. Just never forget, I am your real mother. I don’t think we ever reached an agreement on that. It just was what it was……..
Pam had a really hard life. I think that it just made her ignorant. She practically grew up in the parking lot of a bar, where her Mom and dad drank themselves practically to death. Her Mother died early and her Dad remarried, and the lady he remarried was an alcoholic as well. I just don’t think she was ever shown a positive example or a good role model….ever. She just went on this path of destruction her whole life…….She got married and had a child, Amy, but then left Amy’s Dad and lost custody of her. Then she married a different Man, had three children, and their relationship was very physically and emotionally abusive, and she ended up having to leave the city to get away from him. The whole time she was with him she was in and out with drugs, and at the time she left him, 10 years ago, she had been on methadone for 10 years. She then moved up to Tomball to live near her Sister, and sobered up, but all of the recklessness caught up with her, and now today she is about to be transferred to hospice to die. Her liver simply cannot take anymore, and it is not functioning. Sad, right? She is 50.
I remember meeting her a few times and thinking….WOW…I look just like her, she has my cheek bones, I laugh like her, I TALK LIKE HER, we giggle the same……I am flighty like her. I really couldn’t take all of these similarities coupled with the fact that she left me. It makes me hate her in a sense, it makes me sad, it shows me her faults. Why does she have to look so much like me? There was a time that I was on the same self destructive course that she ran down her whole life, but I snapped out of it. I had the intelligence to end it. Why didn’t she? Is it nature vs. nurture? Looking back at my life, and the foundation I was given I can’t help but e thankful. I saw some REALLY REALLY crazy things, but I always knew that wasn’t the way. No matter what. Why? I think these are a few reasons…
My Grandfather – Was a true genius. He went to Rice and played football there. He was kind, loving and a strong personality. He was a leader.
My Grandmother – She was strong and noble. She was beautiful and loving. She was moralistic, and was never afraid to teach me how to love, who to love, and when to walk away.
My Grandfather and My Grandmother- Were both raised and worked on Farms. They were hard working Catholic Czechs. They were strict. They showed their love only if you looked really close, but they did love. They put family first.
My Father – Has worked hard his whole life. He is moralistic. He is strong. He is firm. He is my mountain. I draw strength from him. He is loyal.
My Mother – She has a heart of gold. She is loyal. She is kind. She is ethical. She is respectful.
My Aunts and Uncles and Cousins – Have always been the icing on the cake. They were raised under this same umbrella that I was and it shows. We all got college degrees, we all try to do right from wrong, we all love eachother. We laugh together, cry together. We have our Children in Catholic schools, we try to do right by the Lord.
Nature vs. nurture. Pam never received any of this. No role models, no examples, no love. It is sad that she will be gone. I will never be able to work any of this out, ever. Not with her. She will be beyond the grave. She will hopefully be in Heaven. So young. I suppress her. I always have. Perhaps it is too much reality for me to shove in my face. Perhaps I don’t want Sofia to have YET ANOTHER Grandmother. All of my Mothers spoil her to a tee, and I don’t want them to have to share. Perhaps the turmoil that is her life is too much for me to bare. I know what I can handle, and she isn’t something I can handle. I never could. For so many reasons I am hurting right now.
The victim of a circumastance in which I have no control, and never did. I didn’t choose to be born, I didn’t choose to be adopted. I didn’t map out her life, and I don’t feel like God put me here to save her……I guess there are lots of timeless questions for which I will never have an answer.
R.I.P. Pam Mitchell, may the angels hold you in their arms and rock your tears away.
Frozen Charlotte
Natalie Merchant
Blue like the winter snow in the full moonBlack like the silhouettes of the trees
Late blooming flowers lie frozen underneath the stars
I want you to remember me that way
Far away... I'll be gone will you wait for me hereHow long...
I don't know will you wait for me here
Still as the river grows in December
Silent and perfect blinding ice
Spring keeps her promises No cold can keep her back
I want you to remember me that way
Far away... I'll be gone, will you wait for me here How long...
I don't know, but wait for me here
Follow... don't follow me
To where, To where I goFar away... I'll be gone, will you wait for me hereHow long... I don't know, will you wait for me hereFollow... to where I have gone. Someday you'll take my place
And I'll wait for you there
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♥ are breaking, mine unintentionally.
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