A Blunt Sorta Blog

Okay, I feel really defeated today. I know I am bound to have these kindof days, but by 7:39 pm, I am sitting here ready to cry. I got to sleep in a little today, only to arrive at the dentists office at 10:15 and sit in the chair and wait for an hour to see the periodontist for a consulation that took 10 minutes. Then I got to sit for another hour for them to tell me what my grand total is going to be for all of the dental work that I have to have done. Lets just say the grand total is somewhere around the tune of 14,000.00. What? Yep. I have to have 3 implants, 2 teeth pulled, I need to have some gum carving done a night guard, and well I think that is it. Totalling up to 14,000.00. And this is with dental insurance.

So while I am waiting I call my obgyn's office, to find out if I "ovulated" this month. I think I am going to stick my finger down my throat and make myself barf if I hear "you didn't ovulate"one more time. Apparantly my progesterone was 6.2 after my 22nd cycle day, and the nurse said even if I did ovulate it wasn't a good ovulation. So....sigh. I took soooo much cloimid this month. We are at a point where we are one more round of clomid-ing and then they ship me off to an infertility specialist. I am so frustrated. I have tried to be positive, I have tried to just be cool, to let things happen, even took a break from trying, and nothing. Nothing is happening.

Is this exhausting to listen to? Well imagine being in my head. You only think you have it bad listening to this rant. I however, have to live with this every day. It is frustrating and exhausting to sit and stir in my own head all of the time. To search for peace at every angle, but because my body simply doesn't allow it, I suffer. I come off as undesirable, dramatic if you will. But I am just being me.

I have always suffered from an inbalance. I don't come from the best of the gene pools, mentally physically or any of the above. I am quite convinced my biological mothers lack of care during her pregnancy contributed to many of my issues. I definately woulda qualfied for ECI services. :)

I remember always suffering from depression, so I think growing up in the best of households, I still would have suffered from this in some form. I have always been adventuresome, careless and a risk taker. Still am all of those things. I have always been outspoken and really just rather annoying, I still am. And I have always suffered as a result, and I still do. I know right from long and have a rather large conscounce, to the point of fault, but it doesn't seem to help me to avoid my inevitable pitfalls.