Me - When the Lupus Strikes

Do I strike back? I try. Are you convinced that I need some pretty heavy therapy to deal with my Lupus issues yet? The thing is, when I am not sick, you have no idea I even have it. It is like there is two Amber's. Extraverted Amber and Introverted Amber. I go back and forth depending on how I am feeling. Talk about being hard to be my friend, right?

The truth is, I love to be healthy and I love to be happy. Who doesn't? When I am both of these things I push push push and enjoy life. I make new friends, run around, go to lunch, parties, clean my house, play with my Kid, I become Mom of the year, a better wife and daughter, a caring sister, and everything else I can possibly be to everyone that I love so much in my life...and then BOOM. The Lupus is back.

Enter, introverted Amber. I am tired, cranky, I don't want to see anyody, I don't want to get out of bed. I am bitter and angry and really sad that I have no energy to be the wife and Mom that my family deserves. I can literally feel a hormonal change in me. I will usually call a friend to cry, and the more these flares go on, the more I will cry. I will pull back from people, usually with an excuse...sometimes I am just to sick to give an excuse.

When the Lupus strikes I feel this bubble come over me (I would like to think this so called bubble is Jesus Christ), as to say.."I am going to protect you. Hold your breath close your eyes, and we are going on overdrive". It is about that time, I grab a few friends to hold on tight to, and everyone else wonders where I have gone. The thing is, I don't deliberatly do it. I just don't have the energy to maintain my house, much less my social life or my Facebook status. The friends I grab on to are the ones who know me the best, and just KNOW how I am feeling without my having to say. And even THOSE friends don't always hear from me.

I am mad about having lupus, sad about having lupus, frustrated about having lupus, and scared to death that I have lupus. I try not to let it dictate my life and usually it doesn't. But it always seems like when I am feeling better ( and I am just speaking of the past two years, before that I did not have a flare for seven years) I can't help but look back and say..Wow, I was really sick...and When I am sick, I can't help but say...Why me?

I feel so much better after my dr. appt though. Read below blog for details. I just finally feel like maybe I do have some sort of "control" over lupus, and "control" over when and WHY it flares. I have lupus, lupus does NOT have me.