That Girl

I have completely turned inward. Funny thing is, I didn't even realize it until I was on the phone with a dear friend this morning. It clicked, dinged inside my own head that the stress, the anxiety has driven me inward. I simply cannot be with the general population right now. I have been so incredibly on overload. You know this because I blog about it time and time again. I wish that I could tell you that every time I blog about something reading it over two or three times fixes it....sometimes it does....but this time, not so much. I have always had a problem with time management. That is no surprise. So the fact that I am struggling with it now is no surprise. I physically cant handle my plate being too full. Why? People do this everyday. I see people all around me running the race every day, and doing it with stride. What is their secret? What if I don't want to run the race? What if I am content to wake up at 9am, drink my coffee, watch Sofia half awake with one eye closed come out into the living room and come snuggle with me for a while? Well, those are not the cards I was dealt for now. For now, I need to work to help support our family. I need to work to provide the health insurance that we all obviously need. I would work myself into the ground if I knew that we all have health insurance.

It has gotten to the point lately that I just want to cry. I am so over being overly stressed, overloaded....I feel like I cannot even make the time for the things and people that matter. That make me happy, that make it all worth it. Work consumes me, and then again and again. It just consumes me. If this makes any sense at all.....If you look at my work planner, there is more in that planner just from 40 hours a week than I used to manage in a full week without adding the 40 hours of work into that. So add the full work planner to the life planner and I am jampacked.

I am not sure who all reads this blog, so as to not be offensive to anyone, I am thankful that I have a job. The money is nice, to be able to help provide for my family is awesome. To see the stress off of my loving husbands shoulders is wonderful. But it is me. I just have to find a way to make this work for me. To fit it all in. To harmonize it. Surely I can do this without having an anxiety attack every time I go out in public.

Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I feel like I am standing outside my own body. Just the defense mechanisms kicking in I guess. But lately I have started to question alot. Alot. I just want the overwhelming feelings to end. I want to be the kind of friend I would like to have. I want to be happy. I want the looming depression to subside. I want it to all be natural. I want to live life instead of be scared of it. I want to not be "that girl".